It was a really long four years. A reeeeaaaaaalllllly long four years. It was long and heartbreaking and messy and devastating and then, all of a sudden, it wasn't. Because there's this guy... this tiny, sweet, precious, cooing, sleep farting, constipated, sleep depriving little guy...
And some day, when the cooing and grunting and sleep farting turns into words, this guy will call me mommy. MOMMY. Even thinking about that day overwhelms me!
My prayer is that our story reaches you - whoever you are. My prayer is that our story points you to the abundant glory of God. My prayer is that our story encourages you as you experience your long and heartbreaking and messy and devastating year. My prayer is that the joy of the Lord is seen in myself, in Jeremy, and in baby Jackson each and every day from now until forever.
It was five months ago when we found out that we lost our almost son when his birth mother decided to keep him. I couldn't breathe. Even now, thinking back to that time, my soul mourns and I weep for what we lost. It wasn't long after that time that I realized I had lost all hope that God would ever provide us a child. I was ugly. I was hard to be around. I was at my worst. And even then, even when I tried to turn my back on God and tried to shut him completely out, He provided for us. He surrounded us with loved ones that blessed us and encouraged us in beautiful and wonderful ways. He has, in just short of five months, completely redeemed our year and our situation. He's shown us grace and love and mercy and compassion and He has blessed us with an angel, our son. A perfect boy that brings us endless joy (even while peeing all over our walls, our floor, and our dog) and brings me to tears every time I look at him. And here's what I've realized: I'm an idiot. A total and complete idiot.
You see, God's got this. He had this the whole time! He's got me and you and our almost baby and the baby that's sleeping soundly beside me. Not just that though, he's got everything in between. One of my all-time favorite songs has a chorus with a line that reads, "He can't plan the ends without planning the means". I'm not going to lie, selfishly I wish that the "means" of our story was a little less heartbreaking and a little less devastating. But, would it be as beautiful without all that messiness? Here's what I've learned my friends - life does not, or maybe can not, have beauty and joy without having loss and sadness.
This was never more apparent to me than on Wednesday. Wednesday was a big day for us and for our little family. It was our last meeting with Bethany and it was the day that Jackson Tro officially became our son.
This was a beautiful day. A BEAUTIFUL day. But, it was also the day in which we, the three of us, said goodbye to Jackson's amazing, brave, strong, and gorgeous birth mom. We've grown incredibly close in the now three months of knowing her. We've spent endless hours planning for this boy, our son. We've watched movies and gotten pedicures and eaten endless amounts of pizza. We've gone to the drive in and the zoo and shared a shameful amount of chocolate. We've had sleepovers and breakfast dates and road trips. We've gotten to know her family and we have all spent a month's worth of weekends together as they allowed us to visit Jackson. At four o'clock on Wednesday afternoon, as this amazing woman drove away for the last time with tears rolling down her cheeks, I couldn't help but weep. I wept for her, for our broken world, for Jackson Tro, and for the questions that I know he will one day have about this exact moment - the moment that his birth mom trusted him to us in the truest form of faith and selfless love.
This was the day I had been looking forward to for YEARS. Our "gotcha" day. It was a true day of celebration but it was also a day full of tremendous sadness for all that had happened and all that was lost. I read a blog once that had this quote, "A child born to another mother calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." I don't know what more to say than that.
I imagine this blog wasn't what you expected to read. The truth is, I'm not going to write about the details of our story because the details don't matter. What does matter is this: we're blessed! God has given us the most precious of gifts. We will never forget this truth nor will we forget the He (and the she) that trusted us with a love we've never known before and has given us a love that we will NEVER take for granted.
Thank you everyone for your outpouring of love and excitement for us. We're soaking up every cuddle and every sleepy, gassy smile right now. Your calls, texts, emails, and messages have not gone unnoticed (they've only gone un-returned - forgive us!). Give us a couple weeks to settle and we'll be thrilled to have visitors, skype dates, and phone calls. Until then, please be patient and full of grace with us. Our adoption consultants have encouraged us to stay close to home and to be the only ones that are snuggling and caring for Jackson for the next several weeks. Your time will come to meet our little man - I promise! Until then, these pictures will have to hold you...
We love you all,
3Js
